Confrontation in Counseling

Confrontation from a counseling viewpoint can only happen after trust has been established. Trust comes when empathy has been given by the counselor, without judgment. William Crane says,

     "A judging confrontation, unprepared form, may end any relationship which would make counseling possible. The person already feels guilty and ashamed, and to be judged and condemned rather than understood and accepted is nothing less than absolute rejection."

Our purpose in confronting people is to help them make better decisions for themselves, become more accepting of themselves and become more productive and less destructive in their lives.

Confrontation can be defined as a counselor pointing out a discrepancy between the counselee's perspective and their manner of viewing reality.

The best way to use confrontation is to use phrases such as, "I wonder if..."; or "could he be...?"; or "Is it possible?" or "How do you react to this perception?"

If you have built a trusting relationship with honesty and acceptance, the counselee is more likely to accept gentle confrontation from you.

-Adapted from The New Guide to Crisis and Trauma Counseling by Dr. H. Norman Wright

Common Mistakes of Counselors

1. The counselor visits instead of counseling.

• Need to focus on the needs of the individual instead of making small talk
• Don't talk about yourself unless it's relevant and brief

2. The counselor starts problem-solving too early.

• Don't be so busy or goal-oriented that you become impatient with progress
• Take time to listen, clarify the issues and reflect on what the individual says
• Allow the process to be more important to you than the results
• Have a deliberately relaxed pace so you don't make hasty judgments

3. The counselor becomes an interrogator.

• Don't ask too many questions too quickly
• Use questions that are open-ended and that encourage the individual to talk
• Allow time for silence - they may need to gather their thoughts

4. The counselor is disrespectful or judgmental.

• Refuse to place the individual into a "category" or stereotype
• Like Jesus, accept each person as an individual. Don't downplay their problems or overlook sin, but still show kindness and respect.

5. The counselor becomes overinvolved emotionally.

• This can cause you to lose objectivity, especially if it is an issue you are dealing with personally
• Maintain professional detachment while still showing compassion

6. The counselor appears distant and artificial.

• Be willing to admit your own weaknesses or lack of knowledge in an area
• Relax and be open and honest

7. The counselor is defensive.

• Our empathy is hindered if we believe we aren't helping, become bothered by guilt, are criticized unfairly, or become afraid of something in the counseling relationship
• Ask yourself why you feel defensive and talk to someone you trust

From Christian Counseling by Gary Collins

5 Biblical Principles Essential to Christian Counseling

1. Man without Christ is lost and eternally doomed to a literal hell. Surely nothing has ever offered greater potential for solving problems and resolved more conflicts than freely accepting what Christ has done.

2. Man without Christ is incomplete. When a person trusts Christ as his Savior, the Holy Spirit comes to indwell, empower, guide, teach, and free from sin and death.

3. Man is depraved. Man in himself has neither the capability nor the goodness necessary to solve his own problems and overcome the evil within him.

4. Man is under attack. Satan desires that nonbelievers stay in spiritual darkness. He also prowls about seeking to destroy the mental health of Christians. He can deceive, enticing people to pay attention to false doctrines. He can influence thinking, causing man to focus on his own interests rather than on God's. He can hinder the spread of the gospel; he can tempt; he can oppress people mentally, even to the point of driving them insane.

5. Man is sinful. Without this concept, there is no right or wrong, no moral compass, and no Christian counseling.
(from The Minirth Guide for Christian Counselors by Frank Minirth)

Listening

We listen poorly when we:

• Refuse to listen.
• Pretend to listen.
• Listen without patience.
• Listen but do not understand.
• Listen without an adequate response.
• Interrupt.
• Let our minds wander.

How we can do a better job of listening:

• Be open-minded and willing to hear what someone has to say.
• Affirm the person who is speaking.
• Ask open-ended questions.
• Ask clarifying questions.
• Reflect back to them what they have said.
• Have an open body posture (arms relaxed, face the person, eye contact).
• Wait for them to finish speaking.
• Refuse to entertain thoughts of what you are going to say next before they have finished speaking.
• Allow silence before rushing in with a "quick fix."
• See the issues through their eyes - feel their pain.

(some of this is from The Good Listener by James E. Sullivan)